Double-Edged | Poetry Breakdown

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Whenever you asked me, 
“What are you even afraid of?”
I eventually realized that there was no right answer. 
You would follow up by saying,
	“You’re just holding yourself back.”
As if I had a choice. 
I was still little so my fears were simply something larger
like the fear of depth, heights, and volcanos. 

The question ended up following me
whenever my voice shook,
whenever I hesitated,
or even if I had an ounce of doubt. 
I didn’t like that I felt stuck in my room. 
I didn’t like that I needed to cancel plans only to be just in my room. 
I didn’t like it! No! No! No!
It was a double-edged sword – 
would I rather be safe as I know from routine or
be where I know I could be safe but the “could be” 
had other subtexts that were too many to answer in time. 

Hand hovering over the doorknob,
being careful to not make the floorboards squeak.
My existence is just a forethought
so I thought it was polite to keep it as such. 

Now I have an answer to your echoing question,
	“What about you?”

I’ve heard the phrase, “What are you even afraid of?” so many times that it invokes fear. I hate that question. I hate feeling undermined and I hate being silenced, but having been put in that position unwillingly too many times, I tend to shut down or be defensive every time there’s a hint of confrontation. There was a point of time where I glorified the fact that I blended into the background so well. When someone forgot about me, I don’t try to speak up. I always strayed in the back and walked around as softly as possible. I thought, if this is what I was apparently good at, then I should keep doing it. It was so lonely and it might sound odd, but I wanted someone to be in the shadows with me, but the paradox was that in order to find someone, I needed to come out of the shadow.

I had gotten so used to being invisible and being what others had deemed me to be that I didn’t have any idea who I was or what I wanted to be. It was exciting to discover parts of myself that I wasn’t sure about and it was even more affirming that I had still maintained my core values. I’d have to say that discovering your individuality never really stops but you do get more comfortable with yourself as time goes on.

Stop and think when was the last time you quieted yourself for the sake of others. When have you shut down your own desires for the sake of fitting in? When have you listened to your own wants and needs? Before you start judging others for something they haven’t done to your expectations, maybe look into how you’ve done the same?

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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