Welcome to Perpetual Ponderings of Alice Chen!

Hello friends!

Welcome to my blog!

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Heartbeat of NYC – Unconfined Thoughts 36

Hidden in the depths of New York City, you can find a moment of silence. No, it isn’t when the conversation falls dead and you’re left staring at each other waiting for an interesting topic to pass by again. It’s found in odd places. Places you expect to be bustling with sound, but somehow, you find a solid resonance that strikes a chord in your chest. Whether it be at 2am walking along the same streets as your morning commute or feeling the sigh of the bus beneath your feet, the rude, dirty, and stinky city still has a soft spot. It’s unexplainable, this odd sense of solitude. You’re not alone because down the street, you can hear someone’s phone ringing. You’re not afraid because out of the corner of your eye, someone else is also caught in the magic. You’re not drunk because you know where you are. This quietness falls so softly almost like it’s being so careful to not intrude the noise. Keep walking and the magic will maybe pass, but hold these moments close to your heart especially during rush hour when you forget what silence sounds like – your heartbeat in rhythm with everyone else.

Written: 12/11/18 10:31pm

Monsters | Poetry Breakdown

Monsters

I’ve been gone for a while –
out of touch, missing, empty.
I could’ve been studying abroad
or exploring exotic caverns
or even searching for my soul lost beyond the mountains.

I wanted to shout so loud
SO LOUD
beyond the depths of my mind
echoing into the chambers of my heart
and rattling every bone in my body.

I want you to hear me
LISTEN TO ME
feel my pain and struggles
understand how I had to crawl upwards and beyond
know about my tears and humiliation.

I’ve been fighting battles –
lost some, won some.
I’ve come back now, so I can tell you
about the monsters I’ve encountered in case you run into them
and save you from getting hurt too bad.

Passive-Aggressive | Poetry Breakdown

Passive-Aggressive

Claim what you want
Look at me a certain way
Talk to the side
but until the words leave your mouth,
I won’t play the game.

Innocent until proven guilty.

I’m over here creating and building
and you really think, really really think
that your subtle voicing of what you claim
to be innocence will break me down?
Why are you dedicating your brainpower to something so absolutely
useless?
Why can’t you use your given voice to bring light to something rather than
shrouding it in the dark?
If you are such an advocate for goodness and claim to see all perspectives,
then why do I feel so miserable around you?

Don’t even try to argue back.
I don’t want to hear it.
What’s the point?
Well congratu-fucking-lations! You broke me.
You broke my creations.
You have caused me to wilt.
And now I’m a disgrace in your eyes.

Put a mask on all you want.
Claim your innocence.
Rally in sympathizers.
Until you look me in the eyes, speak truthfully,
with the honest words in your mouth
whether it be an accusation or an apology or
even a clarification,
I will not play the game.
And you will slowly watch me fall apart
because my morals do not stand for
dishonesty & manipulation.

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Unconfined Thoughts 35- Microfiber Towel

Don’t get me wrong, I love a little dose of nostalgia, but I feel like I get swept along a long road of introspection that I didn’t ask for. You wrote in my yearbook admiring my quiet composure and sparks of jokes. I can see that you are willingly taking the road of introspection except we haven’t exchanged any glimpses or words ever since your pen touched my yearbook. And yet, you’ve announced your pain, your successes, and growth while all I’ve pretty much done is dry my hair with a microfiber towel and wondered why so much hair was still falling out.

Who are you now? How are you?

Who am I? What have I become? Am I still the same?

 

Written: 11/3/18 12:37am

Seasons | Poetry Breakdown

Seasons

I can smell the cold – a painful reminder that the year is ending
mixed with a couple drops of holiday nostalgia.
Taste the cold instead, how it’s filled with indulgences
you’ve been working all summer for.
Nourish your body with each bite with an attitude that could only
be renewed by each gust of wind. There’s no room for regrets,
but there will always be room for dessert.
Don’t the regrets feel like they come at you all at once, without any warning?

Have you forgotten about the awkward transitions named Spring and Autumn?
How they were never consistent, never predictable, or never seemingly understood. They contained multitudes of beauty from vibrant pinks
to fading maroons. Gone in an instant, gone in a flash!

One moment your hair is loose, your laughter is wild, and your steps sway.
Another moment your tie is straight, your smile stifled, and your schedule is full.

Do you still remember how to live
rather than waiting for the perfect season?

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Blog Revamp | Update

Hello everyone,

I’ve had this blog for 4 years and a little more and I’ve gone under many changes and it’s been one of my proudest things I’ve done especially when it comes down to how much writing I’ve produced. In order for me to continue to keep doing what I love without wearing myself down and not boring you, I’m changing a couple things.

  • Poetry Breakdowns will no longer have full analysis of the poem. I would like to spend more time posting regularly and writing more emotional and raw pieces for your enjoyment, so to avoid spoiling it too much for you, I’ve decided to only write a short synopsis of the poem to guide you through the poem and invoke more thought. I think Poetry Breakdown for my poetry series is going to need a new name though – any suggestions?
  • On a similar note, Quick Pieces are just going to be quick pieces. No more breakdowns! That way, I can blossom my stories in develop them more and finally get to utilizing all my wonderful writing books I bought to help me with story telling.
  • Noble Chats are going to be coming back and on a regular schedule. For those of you who got a glimpse of my short lived podcast experiment, I stopped doing it because I ran out of things to talk about within the second week. I figured that since I won’t be writing analysis of my writing, I’m going to talk about my writing. This is where I’m definitely going to need your feedback! I know you’re out there 😉 Send in your suggestions, comments, or criticism and we’ll have a fun time on Wednesdays! Until I figure out how to officially host a podcast, it’s just going to be mp3 clips of me talking.
  • Like I keep promising, various mediums of my writing are going to start appearing. Maybe I’ll do a dramatic reading or maybe I’ll film a video to accompany my poem or maybe I’ll direct a video to go with my stories. Keep your eyes open!

Thank you for coming with me on this crazy journey! Onwards & Upwards!

Alice

Waltzing with Depression | Poetry Breakdown

Waltzing with Depression

The following poem contains depressive themes. If you are sensitive to these issues, I suggest that you refrain from reading this poem.

Dance with me darling.
I want to see you writhe in pain as you contort
into impossible positions.
Don’t be rude!
We’re all watching and we’re all expecting
for you to perform just as I taught you.
Why are you so shy?
You’re being a disappointment. You’re letting us down.
Hey, why are you fighting back? Go back to how you were.
You were never good enough anyways. I don’t know why I thought
you could do it.

You’re worthless. You’re a waste of time. You look pathetic.
I will bring you down until your knees quiver as you struggle to stand.
People will look at you differently, but they can’t figure out why.
I will chase your loved ones away with such scorn, such pain
they never knew why they tried to love you in the first place.
Stop resisting. Stop fighting.
Just conform. Just come with me.

Dance with me darling.
You will never be good enough except for me,
in step with no one but me,
and you’ll only feel me coursing through your veins,
through your mind,
with every breath you take.
Dance with me darling.
I found you when you were on the ground,
I helped you feel and I helped you mold to the pain
until you were pain.

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