It’s a funny thing, depression. One moment, I’m curled under my fort I’ve created for myself and the next, I’m staring blankly at my notes as my professor inquires about ethics. I’ll show you ethics all right. We always make these neon “mental illness week” posters and plaster them all over the school and offering free ice cream just for people to show up when I still don’t feel comfortable mentioning the grand word, depression. There’s no end to this. Either you’re just a typical attention seeking whore who seriously knows nothing about mental illness or you are sincerely, definitely and truly sad and in need of your pity. What if, it’s more on the spectrum of, I feel highly pressed by all aspects of life and sometimes nothing and it hurts, it aches and sometimes, I want to die and it can happen to anyone – even the best of us. Yet, I celebrate every step I take out of bed, when I brush my teeth and whenever I smile because that’s another day I’m alive.
I cannot wait anymore. I’m not going to wait for a single week where I can feel like I “belong somewhere” or have the adequate awareness. I’m going to talk more about it. I will mention how gloomy I feel and having no idea why. I will talk about how watching my favorite movies, eating my favorite foods and even talking to my favorite people feel like a sinking stone in my stomach. I could cry, but all that does is make my pillow wet and my nights too long. I will talk about wanting to be blind, lose a limb or shattered into a million pieces just so my Mom can stop saying that “it’s something I have to deal with.” or hear people say that “I’m just an emotional person.” I sleep all the time or I can’t sleep at all. I want to order pizzas, tacos and noodles, but I just ended up feeling full after the first three bites, yet my stomach is grumbling. I will talk about the intense need for pure desire because I feel starved of it, but also carrying the malicious intent to destroy all I loved because as someone who is this broken, no one will ever be cherished. It sucks so much and I hate putting people I love in pain as they see me suffer. I’m depressed. Let’s talk about this.