Feeling: Discovery, Ignorance, Vitality, Angst | Poetry Breakdown

Hello everyone,

Feeling: Discovery, Ignorance, Vitality, Angst

What age do you wish you could go back?
I didn’t need to think for a long time, but I knew that
I wanted to be seven years old again.
All I cared about was day dreaming, adventure books and gym classes
because I could run faster than the boys and
I could do whatever I wanted.

A group of guys came into my life
and they introduced me to the wonders of
gore filled video games
profanity used incorrectly and frequently
and
the first innocent crushes
that didn’t twist your soul, but
make you smile uncontrollably.

What age do you wish you never want to go back?
I didn’t need to think for a long time, but I knew that
I never wanted to be thirteen years old again.
All I cared about was my place in the class, in the school
and in other people’s hearts especially those
whose hair was curly or those who
only said your name when it came to picking teams
or even those who made you smile uncontrollably
but you didn’t know why.

I would ponder within myself
and the why question became very prominent –
more so than when I was five and curious.
I tried to answer the why with my poems
that spiraled around the beauty of the world.
I found myself exploring corners of the world
that many would say is too twisted for a thirteen year old to witness
but I still called it beautiful
not out of awe, but out of ignorance.

What age am I right now?
I don’t need to think for a long time, but I know
that I am entering a new era of discovery where the discoveries
carve out the path that you thought you already were on.
All I care about are naps and the attempts of carpe diem
but I get strangled in the rulebook of the game of life.

People come into my life –
some come and go and I find pieces of myself in them
from whether they prefer red or green
to the way they love.
The dialogue from when I was seven
and from when I was thirteen are still very prominent
in someone who is in the last weeks of
being twenty years old.

I’ve learned a lot lately
about betrayal and the gift of laughter.
And most importantly, I’ve learned
to never take my age for granted
and carpe the fuck out of diem.

What a long poem! Basically, this poem is a reflection on my life. It includes the positivity, the negativity and the time I’m at right now. I feel like everyone’s life is in the general structure, but when, what and how we deal with it is what separates us from everyone.

The first and second stanza is a reflection on childhood. It’s all about innocence and the first steps of discovery hence the first feeling of the title. After that, the third and fourth stanza reflects middle school, an awkward transition of your body and your thoughts and trying to embody them into one – in fact, I’m still working on this aspect of myself. There’s a lot of self discovery during this time that can lead to maturing too fast.

The next couple of stanzas are about the time I’m going through right now. These milestones in life are segregated by the same amount of time (and a little more) that it takes to complete different levels of schooling. Your childhood is usually defined with elementary school, seeking your identity usually starts in middle school and solidifying that takes place in high school and onwards to college years. I don’t know what will happen when I start to work, but I know things will be changing again. In those stanzas, I highlight taking chances and making the most of every moment because life is moving the fastest right now. It’s not like when I hit freshmen year of college, I forget what I been through when I was younger, but they’re added to who I currently am including all the mistakes and great memories.

The last paragraph is very particular because I found it hard to wrap up a poem like this. A part of me wanted to leave it hanging to symbolize how my life is still going forward quite rapidly but I know that I needed to give somewhat of a conclusion. I wrote many drafts of a final paragraph, but they felt very cheesy. I decided to conclude it on my current thought process including my usage of profanity that some of you may know if you’ve been following my writing for a while that I use profanity to make a statement and to add onto things, which is in my opinion, the right way to use it.

Now, the title is the longest poetry title I’ve written. When I used to title my poems, I would use a single word usually an adjective to try and embody the entire poem, but because this poem is explicitly who I am, I found it hard to use just one word. I titled it “Feeling: Discovery, Ignorance, Vitality, Angst” as a way to show the stages throughout my poem and they kind of blend together. If you haven’t noticed this, the four feelings spell out diva which means “a self-important person who is temperamental and difficult to please”. I guess that’s a little of what I’ve become right now or if you know nothing of me and just stumbled upon this poem, I guess that’s how you may interpret me. 😉 Subtle or not, it’s still there.

Thanks for reading my poem! Tomorrow I go back to school!

Stay dry,

Alice

 

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