Lately | Mentality

Lately, I haven’t been doing too well.

Three weeks ago, I started feeling more anxious after a month of no anxiety attacks. It came so suddenly and I was caught off guard because I thought I was really on the right track in getting better. During the day, I would distract myself just enough to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay,but when I’ve exhausted all the methods, then it would hit me pretty hard. I got a little better afterwards and took the next week easy, but around the same time, I would get extremely anxious and I would have another anxiety attack. I would ask my friends for help and they were nice keeping me occupied and preventing my thoughts from falling further.

This week, I had another episode of terrifying anxiety. I didn’t have an anxiety attack, but I briefly fell into a period of depression and if my friend hadn’t been talking to me, then I might’ve self-harmed. I’m sorry if this saddens any of you, but think about this, my friend was talking to me and I didn’t self-harm. I don’t want to ever self-harm again.

All these weeks of a build up only to crash down, left me feeling pretty nervous. I’m afraid that these attacks might happen when I’m in class or I would have another attack that might be so severe that it would take me a long time to recover. It’s all the anticipation and the built up fear that becomes a factor of anxiety. When the attack does come, the fear intensifies and I hold back until it completely overwhelms me, which is something that is probably making my anxiety attacks more intense.

Another issue I’ve been having is coming to terms that my anxiety, depression and self-harm episodes are part of me. I find it difficult to accept that I am part of all my mental disorders. I know that I’m not defined by them, but I have to accept that anxiety attacks and episodes of depression may happen.

Anyways, here’s just an update on how I’ve been doing mentally. I think that my emotions are very connected with the weather and since it’s starting to warm up a little, I feel a little better.

Thank you for reading Mentality,

Alice

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