Update | April 30, 2015

Hello everyone,

I  just want to make this post to notify you all that this week’s Poetry Breakdown will be rescheduled for Saturday because I have finals to study for and a paper to write.

Besides the stress over the finals, I’m doing pretty well. The weather is nice and I’ve also found that studying with a group of friends actually helps me focus even though there are times when we can get off topic and distracted.

Anyways, I hope you have a great day!

 

Alice

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Tall and Strong | Poetry Breakdown

Hello everyone,

I hope you’re doing well. As for me, finals are coming and I’m starting to get a little stressed out. It’s also snowing right now despite it being the middle of April. I think these past two weeks, we’ve gone through all the seasons from the classic April rain to brilliant sunshine. Besides the crazy weather and stress, I go home in 11 days! I can’t wait to relax at home, yet at the same time I will also miss the friends I made at school.

 

Tall and Strong

We’re so used to seeing each other

standing tall and strong

That we sometimes forget

that we may be holding ourselves together

just for each other

or that when we go home

we crumple down.

We see each other

so brave and unafraid

we will ourselves to be

just like each other so that

when we are alone and power is drained from us,

we remember that we are

capable of doing great things.

We are the same person.

One day we are a hero

and the next day we are the bystander.

Yet, every day we have the capacity

in showing our true powers

even through simply standing tall and strong.

I look at myself and I am only one person.

Yet with one comes twenty

and with twenty comes strength

Stand strong.

Don’t be afraid.

even if your voice quivers.

Stand tall

for others see

because you are capable.

I wrote this poem with my friends in mind. We all go through tough times and some of my friends also suffer from anxiety, depression or panic attacks which really breaks my heart. I remember talking to one of my friends and telling him that I had panic attacks and he casually said that he also suffers from it. Then he said that we’re just really good at hiding it. With that in mind, I wrote this poem.

Basically, this poem talks about how we all appear stronger and happier when we see each other, but when we go home, we just let go. For me to be aware that someone also suffers from a mental disorder, but stays strong even if it’s just in front of friends and family, I find it very empowering because I know that it’s not easy to do so at times. If someone can be strong in front of their family and friends, then eventually they could be strong in front of themselves.

The sentence, “We see each other so brave and unafraid, we will ourselves to be just like each other so that when we are alone and power is drained from us, we remember that we are capable of doing great things.” This sentence really is the heart of the poem. It’s okay to feel sad, but don’t feel burdened by it. Try to focus more on the times when you were happy. Also, don’t be too harsh on yourself.

‘Yet with one comes twenty and with twenty comes strength.” What I mean with this statement is that we aren’t alone in our difficulties. Even if someone next to you doesn’t really know how you feel, they can still help you. You aren’t left alone in your troubles because there’s always someone out there who wants to help you. It’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t make you look weak. You are brave to ask for help.

I wrote this poem to empower people who feel like they’re kind of stuck. Feeling empowered is probably one of the greatest feeling in the world when adrenaline rushes through you and you simply feel like you’re undefeated. Those feelings are quite rare and we should cherish or seek after loving yourself and feeling fearless more. The times when you feel defeated, remember that you are the same person who helped someone out or aced a test or even rode a roller coaster before. You did those great things and of course they aren’t put to waste.

You are loved and you have amazing friends. You were and are capable of a so much things. Don’t give up now! You can do it! I believe in you! 🙂

I hope you enjoyed this week’s Poetry Breakdown.

Have a great week!

Alice

Peace|Poetry Breakdown

Hello again,

I actually haven’t been doing so well as of yesterday and I was contemplating on postponing this week’s Poetry Breakdown, but I’ve decided on incorporating how I’ve been feeling into this week’s post. This poem is from the 30/30 Poetry Challenge I’ve been doing this month.

Peace

The obvious secret is that
I’m absolutely terrified
with my wide eyes
and trembling hands.
All I want is a tight embrace
and for you to whisper that
everything’s going to be okay.
It’s no secret that I wear a mask
with only my eyes showing through.
You can still see my shaking hands
and hear my soft and uncertain voice.
It’s obvious that I’m very good at
smiling even though all I want to
do is sit in the corner and
advert my eyes.
It’s obvious that all I want is
love and security when I
keep getting in the way.
All I want is
peace.

This poem has to do with my anxiety and how I’m very good at hiding it from people. It deals with conflicting thoughts of what I want and what I feel. The true feeling is that I’m scared and helpless and you can see that from my body language, yet I also can hide it all. Things like anxiety, it’s hard to really hide and the people who know me pretty well can pick up when I’m not doing well. I want to not have depression of course and to just enjoy life, but depression is getting to me, so that nothing really seems interesting.

The sentence, “It’s obvious that all I want is love and security when I keep getting in the way.” I blame myself as the cause of my depression since I am the one with the feeling. I want love and security, but depression gets in the way. The truer feeling is peace and simply rest from depression.

The weather outside is amazing right now, but I kind of just want to sleep and not do anything. It pains me to see myself like this, but I can’t quite pull myself out of this hole. I’m doing my best to keep my spirits up though.

 

Thank you for reading this week’s Poetry Breakdown.

I hope you have a great day!

Alice

Nothing | Quick Piece

I am nothing. I am worth nothing. My eyes don’t see anything. My nose smells nothing. I don’t think of anything; I have no thoughts. I am not happy nor am I sad. I don’t feel angry or melancholic. I am not full of love, hope and joy. I am not loved by my brother, my mom, or my dad. I am not loved by my dear friends. Yet, I am not disliked. I am not tolerated. I am not intelligent or full of knowledge. I am nothing. I am not full of various emotions. I am not a dreamer or a runner. I’m not full of imaginative stories with intricate plot lines and character back story. I don’t feel the warmth of the sun beating on me or the cool night air. I don’t feel the sweat dripping down my back or the rising heat of embarrassment. I don’t know what it is like to fall in love or to feel pure happiness. I don’t know what it’s like to laugh until your stomach hurts or cry until there are no tears left to cry. I don’t feel the crippling pain that love can leave or fill you. I am not anything. I am not a violinist or a singer. I am not a musician or a dancer. I am not a reader or a writer. I don’t feel. I don’t know. I am nothing. I am not amazing or awesome. I am neither dead nor alive. I am not complete. I am not whole.

I am nothing.

You are worth so much. You are amazing and awesome. You definitely deserve it. Your eyes sparkle in the light and your nose wrinkles at smells. You are full of imagination and hope. Your family and friends adore you. People may hate you, but who cares, they’re missing out on who you are. You feel pain, but you’re stronger. You feel loss, but you’re stronger. You feel embarrassed, but you’re better. You are completely relevant to the world and your community. You are a part of an enormous story and your plot line is so exciting. You are whole. You are someone.

You are everything.

 

This was the piece that I read at the English conference yesterday and I hope you enjoyed it!

 

Alice

Simply Being | Poetry Breakdown

Hello everyone,

How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well.

This Friday, I will be reading a piece that I wrote for an English conference. I’m a little nervous since I’m not that great with public speech, but I think that this will help bring attention to my writing as well as helping me out with public speech. I’ll post the piece I’m reading on Saturday, so look forward to that!

This poem is titled, Simply Being.
Business men walking down the street with their right hand holding onto their suitcases
And a shadow follows them
They carry it through the building.

Students get out of their parent’s car with a quick good bye and see you later
as they file into their school.
And a shadow follows them
even though they see their friends and compare homework
even though they receive good or bad grades

Someone sits alone in their dark living room surrounded by empty take-out boxes
and a chat room busy with greetings and invitations
And a shadow follows them
even though they don’t know what they doing
except looking for happiness

Shadow of doubts pass through us
Shadow of weights we carry around everyday
We torment ourselves with things we have to do or should do
rather than
simply living
simply breathing
simply being.

Life can get pretty hectic. Deadlines pop out of nowhere and then your friends want to hang out. Finals are coming up and the workload increases. Times like these, I just wish for a break. A moment to not think about the things that are stressing us out and to take a breather. Times like these, I just want to enjoy life and not get caught up with all the things I have to do.

In the first stanza, it’s to represent those who are successful and those who are settled. From what I can see, they have a set routine and are happy with it. This is what we’re trying to achieve- stabilization. The shadow remains unidentified throughout the poem, but the shadow can simply be a weight that drags us down. The shadow can also be the fact that there is work to be done. The shadow could be categorized as a nagging voice.

In the second stanza, it’s to represent all the students who are looking for stabilization and certainty in their future. As a student, I can affirm that it’s easy to get caught up in deadlines as well as trying to have a social life. School gets overwhelming and that could be the shadow that the student is carrying around with them.

The third stanza is to represent loneliness. This person had attempted to find happiness through other means, but it doesn’t seem like that person is very happy. All that person wants is happiness, but something is nagging them. They were just too caught up in looking for happiness rather than having happiness find them.

Although it may be difficult, sometimes we need to take a step back from the busyness. Sometimes we need a real break away instead of the YouTube videos we think are relaxing. How about a trip across the world? How about a trip across the state? How about a trip down the street? How about down the hall? Sometimes, we just need to get away whether it be for 5 minutes or for a week or maybe even a year. After we are refreshed, we can appreciate what life has given us once again.

Thank you for reading this week’s Poetry Breakdown!

Alice

Lately | Mentality

Lately, I haven’t been doing too well.

Three weeks ago, I started feeling more anxious after a month of no anxiety attacks. It came so suddenly and I was caught off guard because I thought I was really on the right track in getting better. During the day, I would distract myself just enough to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay,but when I’ve exhausted all the methods, then it would hit me pretty hard. I got a little better afterwards and took the next week easy, but around the same time, I would get extremely anxious and I would have another anxiety attack. I would ask my friends for help and they were nice keeping me occupied and preventing my thoughts from falling further.

This week, I had another episode of terrifying anxiety. I didn’t have an anxiety attack, but I briefly fell into a period of depression and if my friend hadn’t been talking to me, then I might’ve self-harmed. I’m sorry if this saddens any of you, but think about this, my friend was talking to me and I didn’t self-harm. I don’t want to ever self-harm again.

All these weeks of a build up only to crash down, left me feeling pretty nervous. I’m afraid that these attacks might happen when I’m in class or I would have another attack that might be so severe that it would take me a long time to recover. It’s all the anticipation and the built up fear that becomes a factor of anxiety. When the attack does come, the fear intensifies and I hold back until it completely overwhelms me, which is something that is probably making my anxiety attacks more intense.

Another issue I’ve been having is coming to terms that my anxiety, depression and self-harm episodes are part of me. I find it difficult to accept that I am part of all my mental disorders. I know that I’m not defined by them, but I have to accept that anxiety attacks and episodes of depression may happen.

Anyways, here’s just an update on how I’ve been doing mentally. I think that my emotions are very connected with the weather and since it’s starting to warm up a little, I feel a little better.

Thank you for reading Mentality,

Alice

Home | Poetry Breakdown

Hello everyone,

I’m sorry that this was late!

I hope your week has well. I feel like March has just blown past us and now’s it’s April! The air still has a slight chill, but at least I don’t dread going outside and getting hit in the face with large snowflakes. Now, I’m getting hit in the face with a cool breeze and sun. It was actually 55 degrees today and it seemed like there were more people simply lounging around. The park benches are being filled with people enjoying the weather and if there aren’t any room on the benches, then people were scattered throughout the quad.

This poem is titled, Home.

Home is where the heart is
Home is where you are.
Home is in your mother’s arms
or in your spouse’s arms.
Home is not tangible.
Home is something you build for ten years.
Home is something you find
Home is something you take with you.
Home tastes amazing
Home is at that restaurant.
Home is definitely not there
because it doesn’t feel right.
Home is where I am comfortable
Home is where sometimes dishes break and tears fall.
Home is where hugs are plentiful and laughter is loud.
Home is when I look into your eyes and everything fades away.
Home is just a one syllabic word and it moves with me.
Home is the sound of my mother cooking up a storm to make sure everyone is fed well.
Home is that delicious pastry that I can buy at the corner bakery. It reminds me of my mother.
Home is playing catch every evening with my father even after a long day of work and even when I had a ton of homework to do.
Home is where muddy footprints are cleaned up and people come and go.
Home is where the sun shines, where the snow falls and where the rain puddles.
Home

I’ve always found it a little difficult to define home because home can mean different things for everyone besides the usual family and true feeling of comfort. Home can be seeing that person you love and like the song, Rather Be, that can be anywhere with that person. Home doesn’t necessarily have to be the physical home that you grew up in, but it can be the memories that you’ve gathered over time. With regards to the line, “Home is where sometimes dishes break and tears fall.” Home is full of growth and lessons learned. It isn’t always perfect and ideal at home, but in the end, there’s no place you would rather be than at home. Many of us may think of old childhood memories filled with dishes our mother used to make us and then when we got older and we didn’t have access to our mother’s cooking, we went searching for it.

After leaving home for school, I realized that home is not completely tangible. I can bring the memories, the pictures and the good food with me and the people and the feeling I’ve kept as home won’t ever fade from me. The word, home is an idea and we sculpt our thoughts of home, adding and subtracting things as we go through the years. The perfect touch of home may be that lamp in the corner or just a large family gathering. In this poem, I tried to capture everyone’s thought of what home may be being as specific as possible, but also keeping it general.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s Poetry Breakdown and look forward to a Mentality piece this Saturday.

Alice