I’m going to start a new series called “Mentality” and it’s basically me trying to write about what goes on in my head and everything else.
Things you should know about me:
– I am quiet.
– I am also very nervous about everything.
When I booked an appointment to go see a counselor about my anxiety, the phone call itself made my hands sweaty and shaking as well as a mentality that I couldn’t do it. I saw the counselor and instead of helping me, it did more internal damage to me than intended. It was definitely not the counselor’s fault. She did a good job of being a nice and understanding, but I kept on worrying. My hands were like prunes from sweating and I tried to relieve my mind from the crumpled thoughts by wringing my hands in my pockets, never letting her see just how anxious and nervous I was. She gave me the option of leaving or continuing with the session, so I opted out. Being extremely nervous for a straight 45 minutes was enough for me. As soon as I left, I felt much better, but it wasn’t until I got back to my dorm, did I feel more like myself.
I have to deal with my anxiety and nervousness every time I go out in the public and they usually coincide with sweaty hands, stuttering thoughts, practically silence from me, and just overall discomfort. If those get any worse and if my worries start to intensify, I will have an anxiety attack.
Yeah, I have a lot on my hands. I’m a nervous wreck at all times, I worry constantly and I have a pile of anxiety disorders backing me up. Going to see the counselor was suppose to help me, but I was so nervous that my mind couldn’t settle and trust the counselor enough to really go forth with my sessions. And that’s really painful since I know there are times when I wasn’t a nervous wreck with worries flooding me. Those times are precious times since they’re quite rare. Those times are always when I’m with people I love since they know me the best.
Yet, I want to be better so badly, but I’ve gotten used to dealing with my nervousness and anxiety my own way, distractions, that it’s hard to apply what the counselor taught me. I don’t think I even remembered what she said since I was busy keeping my mind away from exploding into a nervous breakdown. I want to be able to just go to the bathroom without thinking too much about it. I want to be able to go shopping without worrying that someone is going to judge me over how much I’m spending and what I’m getting. I want to be able to just go outside and take a walk. I want to be able to talk on the phone without shaking. I want to have a proper conversation without having worries getting in the way. I want to live without worry.
Ever since coming to college, my nervousness has gotten worse. I’m constantly on edge with shaky and sweaty hands and a mind full of thoughts and distractions. I can’t even walk to class without having to tell myself that it will be okay. It’s just so difficult to do such simple tasks.
I’m sorry that the past couple of posts haven’t been very positive, but this is what I’ve been going through- nearly my entire life. This post doesn’t even explain the magnitude of what I feel. But this is why I write because I can finally express myself the way I want to be expressed. With topics like these, it is difficult to express it without being me, but it’s the best that I can do.