Two Scars|December 6, 2014

On my left arm, there are two scars. One where my watch usually is and one on the other side of my arm and just under my wrist.

I cut myself.

I deliberately inflicted harm onto myself.

When I did it, I finally felt something in a while. I was so afraid and I just needed to remind myself what it was like to feel again. Once I saw blood coming out of the cut, I realized what I had done. Yes, I could feel again, but all the pain came rushing back to me. I felt so ashamed that I had come to this point and with feelings of shame, guilt and fear coming back to me again, I had an anxiety attack.

I am not like this.

My body isn’t something used in lieu of my own dark feelings.

My body is a temple of God not something to be mistreated.

 

The cuts have healed now, but there is still a scar. The one on my wrist, where my watch would normally be is very visible since the cut was deeper. The other one that’s on the underside of my arm has faded away, but I still know exactly where it is.

My scars serve as a reminder that I am better than them and my past. I am not my scars, but it is a reminder of a promise I took. My friend was saddened that I had caused such pain on myself.  I didn’t want to hurt my friend any more, so I vowed to myself that I would never inflict pain on myself to relieve the pain within me.

I still have pain and that nagging voice still constantly attacks me, but I have to resist picking up a sharp instrument to inflict harm onto myself. It has been nearly 3 months since I had cut myself and I don’t plan on ever doing that again since I keep my promises. I also want to learn to deal with my problems before it gets to the point where my injuries warn me of my direction.

It’s a quite hard for me to write about my scars and my reasoning behind it, but nevertheless, I got it out in hopes that I will help someone out there who is dealing with the same thing as me. We’re not alone in this.

 

If you are struggling, please resort to something else to express yourself. There is nothing good with cutting yourself. NOTHING AT ALL. Please do not hurt yourself. Instead, please remember that you are loved. You are a unique being, but you aren’t unusual. You have a heart, a mind and a soul. You have long flowing locks and energetic eyes paired with a glowing smile. I don’t know what you’re going through, and I know that it is not easy. I do know that it will pass and you will come out stronger.

 

Alice

EDIT: This post is going to be under the “Mentality” category since it deals with depression and self-harm.

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