How are you?|September 29, 2014

When people ask me,
“How are you Alice?”
I want to shake them by the shoulder and shout,
“I’M AWFULLY LONELY HERE!”

I try my hardest to meet new people. I try to look open, but I’m usually quiet because I honestly have nothing to say. I don’t have anything to add to the current conversation. People assume that my quietness means arrogance or that I don’t care for whatever is happening.
No, it means that I don’t have anything to say.

When I finally get into a conversation because one person would actually notice me and engage me in the conversation, I would either say something overly generic and somewhat end the conversation or make it so awkward the person doesn’t really want to continue. Sorry that I stutter. I didn’t expect anyone to talk to me. Then, they would turn back to the main group.

I’m used to it, but it still hurts.

The two people that I talk a little more to, have other people to talk to that are more important than me.

It’s okay. I’m used to it, but I can go for hours without talking.

My thoughts become very loud and I start driving myself into delusional doubts which started with anxiety attacks. I don’t have anyone here to distract me or comfort me, so I turn to myself and use everything comforting and dump them onto my subconscious.

It works, but it is quite damaging. I end up helpless.

I have to remember that:

I AM NOT ALONE.
GOD KNOWS I AM IMPORTANT AND HE’S ALWAYS BY MY SIDE.
I AM NOT ALONE.
I AM AWFULLY LOVED.

When people ask me,
“How are you, Alice?”
I want to throw my arms in the air and shout,
“GOD LOVES ME AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I AM NEVER ALONE!”

And that’s true.

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