Whitewater Life|Setember 30,2014

Whitewater rafting is like life. That analogy has probably been used many times, but let me get more in depth with it.

You start off not knowing anything or what is to come. You’ve only heard of the worst and assume that you’re going to be hit head on with it. Little do you know that you’re going to be safe, but still on for the ride. You hear of all the warnings that are supposed to prepare you, but they only scare you. And boy, you’re quivering in your boots. You’re all geared up with your wet suit so you won’t get too wet and your boots that are supposed to protect your feet. Yet, you can still feel the rocks pressing in on your boots and you’re still getting wet even though you’re wearing a wet suit. How particular is that.

Then, you’re sent to embark onto your journey in the raft. You’ve got your group with you and a guide in the back. The guide knows all and directs you, but doesn’t simply drop you off at your destination. You have a paddle and as a group, you all paddle together to the final destination according to the guide’s commands. You may find yourself going forward easily or a backwards. Sometimes, you might even be turning around, but you know for sure that you’re going to make it to the end. Sometimes, you might clash with someone else’s paddle and get stuck for a moment, but that’s okay. It’s normal for this to happen because you’re going at your own pace. Just untangle yourself and continue.

When you get to a dangerous part of the river with plenty of high waves and raging rapids, you brace yourself and keep padding through. There are times when you find yourself soaked and cold, but you keep going forward. There are times when you’re not even sure if your paddling is helping, but you hear the guide shouting to not stop paddling and you push on. There are times when the guide tells you to hit the deck and hang on for the ride. You trust the guide and you hang on.
The fear is that you’re going to flip over the side of the boat and be tossed about the waves, finally sinking to the bottom. You could be thrown over the side of the boat, but you won’t sink. Not unless you took off your lifejacket. We learned how to pull someone back into the boat even if they’re two times as big as you. All there is, is to trust. Trust yourself. Trust the guide and just go with the flow.

But don’t be so afraid that you hold yourself back from this adventure because that’s not living at all.

Go on and live your life to its fullest, but do it all for God’s glory.

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love, He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

Advertisements

How are you?|September 29, 2014

When people ask me,
“How are you Alice?”
I want to shake them by the shoulder and shout,
“I’M AWFULLY LONELY HERE!”

I try my hardest to meet new people. I try to look open, but I’m usually quiet because I honestly have nothing to say. I don’t have anything to add to the current conversation. People assume that my quietness means arrogance or that I don’t care for whatever is happening.
No, it means that I don’t have anything to say.

When I finally get into a conversation because one person would actually notice me and engage me in the conversation, I would either say something overly generic and somewhat end the conversation or make it so awkward the person doesn’t really want to continue. Sorry that I stutter. I didn’t expect anyone to talk to me. Then, they would turn back to the main group.

I’m used to it, but it still hurts.

The two people that I talk a little more to, have other people to talk to that are more important than me.

It’s okay. I’m used to it, but I can go for hours without talking.

My thoughts become very loud and I start driving myself into delusional doubts which started with anxiety attacks. I don’t have anyone here to distract me or comfort me, so I turn to myself and use everything comforting and dump them onto my subconscious.

It works, but it is quite damaging. I end up helpless.

I have to remember that:

I AM NOT ALONE.
GOD KNOWS I AM IMPORTANT AND HE’S ALWAYS BY MY SIDE.
I AM NOT ALONE.
I AM AWFULLY LOVED.

When people ask me,
“How are you, Alice?”
I want to throw my arms in the air and shout,
“GOD LOVES ME AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I AM NEVER ALONE!”

And that’s true.

Motions|September 25,2014

Today is a Thursday and I have not published a Poetry Breakdown. I’m going to be honest here and say that I’ve started to get caught up in going through the motions. It’s been one month since I’ve moved in to college and I’ve had enough time to settle in.

And yet, I haven’t gone to church on Sunday.

I have a wonky sleep schedule.

My posts for Poetry Breakdown have become quite irregular.

I don’t have any friends.

The only things I have been doing after I come back from class is spending my energy on relaxing and studying. My studying would consist of reading through the notes or filling in whatever I missed during the lecture. I admit that I have not been doing everything for the Lord, but rather for my own sake. The two times I went to Campus Crusade, I thoroughly enjoyed, but I failed to be consistent with it because I somehow convinced myself that I was too busy for God. How can I be too busy for the Lord, the creator of the universe? What would I possibly be doing that would require my heart, soul and mind that’s not for the Lord?

I’m going through the motions.

Every day, I wake up and I get ready to go to class. Once I get to class, I try to take as many notes as I can through the professor quickly flipping through the slides. Then, I simply go home and watch a bunch of videos to unwind. I have still been writing down my prayers, but even that has become a simple routine.

Lord, help me break out of this habit and dedicate my life all to You because You are all that matters.

I knew I didn’t want to do poorly in my classes like I did in high school, but I’ve dedicated so much of my time to class that I don’t even know where I stand. I want to do well, but not be trapped and become like a lifeless student. I am not defined by what I study or my major. I am not defined by my sadness or my scars. I am not defined by the amount of money I spend or what I wear.

I know that I am loved God.

My behavior, the nonchalant motions, do not reflect how much I love God for all the love He has poured upon me.

I have become lazy.

Lord, please break me and mold me so that I may become more like You. I cannot do this on my own, but I require your help. Please help me.

So, I’m going to start from the beginning again. From the moment I wake up until when I place my head on my pillow and close my eyes, I want to glorify the Lord in all that I do.

My Challenge:

1. Read one chapter of the Bible everyday.

2. Continue writing down my prayers.

3. Give thanks to the Lord before meals and classes

4. Dedicate one hour to devotion and prayer. Just quiet time for the Lord.

5. Help others.

It has been one month at school and I want to do the rest of the year better than this month. And I challenge you all to do the same.

“All for one, and all for one.”

If I find myself falling behind again, I will be even more determined to get myself right. I am not perfect, but the Lord is. He loves me and I am not worth anything, but He saved me, so I must dedicate my life, my time, my everything for Him.

I’m going to end this post with one of my all time favorite verses.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Good day

General Adjectives

There are certain adjectives that I call general. In other words, they are bland adjectives and I try not to use them too much. I don’t really know how to explain it, but a list would help out.

Here’s my selection:

– nice

– good

– delicious

– pretty

– exciting

– bad

– cool

– awesome

– hot

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use them at all. It’s just that you can do better than these words. These words are kind of bland. When you’re using delicious to describe a plate of food, what does delicious taste like?  You could use delicious to start off the description, but and then you could build off with steamy, toasty, spicy and all those colorful adjectives. The moral of this story is to expand your vocabulary. It’s alright to be still learning new words. In fact, you’re learning something new everyday, which is generally what living is all about.
So, don’t be general, be colorful and expand your vocabulary. It’s a bright world out there.

Shadow|Poetry Breakdown

I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve  been busy with moving into college and getting settled in. I’m taking a writing class and I’m really enjoying it with the professor who just goes with the flow and just how relaxed the learning environment is. Oh, I’m also sorry that this Poetry Breakdown is not on a Thursday. I’ll try my best to get back onto the regular schedule by next week.

This poem is called “Shadow”. I wrote it June 7.

The feeling of watching yourself become
less and
less
like a shadow exposed to the bright light.
I just fade away without a trace.

The feeling that you just can’t leave.
It likes to follow you around and dampen your soul.
It acts as a reminder- such a harsh reminder.

I know what being accepted feels like.
I have felt the light, but I’ve grown so cold.

Now, when I am accepted
I look for the ones
Cast away and
Faded out
Because NO ONE deserves to feel that way
No one

 

This entire poem is basically my description of loneliness captured into an allusion of a shadow. According to Wikipedia, a shadow is an area where light from a light source is obstructed by an object. For me, the feeling of loneliness starts when someone turns their back on me like I’m no longer included in the group so that I can’t hear or see anything. And I would be the result of being blocked, a shadow, something that just follows. I use the term, shadow, as not a really good word. Why be in the dark when you can be in the light? When you shine a light onto a shadow, it disappears. The feeling of loneliness can also be described as a disappearing shadow as well as the actual shadow.

In the second stanza, I get right to the point and directly address the lonely feeling and how there just seems to be no escape from it. Wherever I go, I always find myself lonely.  In the next stanza, I’m discussing my past experiences in which I wasn’t lonely, but I have forgotten what it feels like because it has been a while.

In the fourth stanza, it is fast forwarded to when I finally broken free from the trap of loneliness, but the word when connotes that I am not always free from the trap. Because of everything I went through, I promise myself to seek others out so that they can be free from the trap as well since no one deserves to feel that way.

I want to add in the end that this is basically my mantra for life. I am a very quiet person and people may misinterpret that to ignorance or arrogance which is not true in all times. I am quiet because I either don’t have anything to say or I am not quite comfortable in saying what I would like to say. Being a quiet person is simply a personality trait of mine and I am not judging people with my silence. Oftentimes, I just don’t have anything to say. It’s also all about perspective. Do not be too quick to judge. Try to put yourself in everyone’s shoes as cliche as that sounds-just try to understand. If you don’t have all the pieces of the story, it may be okay to just ask, if not then just let it be. There will be a time when you will know the entire story of someone. Whenever I see someone by themselves, I know that it isn’t very good being by yourself and then seeing everyone having fun. I try to go over to them and just say hello. By doing so, I’m overcoming my own shyness and helping the other person not feel so bad about themselves. That hello may be the only hello that they hear from somebody.

And so the moral of the story is don’t jump to conclusions too quickly and to break out of your own comfort zone to bring comfort to another.

 

Good day,

Alice